The most effective way to boost someone’s self-esteem is to help them build a genuine sense of competence and worth, not just tell them they’re great. That distinction matters more than most people realize. Inflated or vague praise can actually backfire, especially for someone already struggling with how they see themselves. What works is a combination of how you talk to them, what you do with them, and how consistently you show up.
Why Over-the-Top Praise Backfires
The instinct when someone feels bad about themselves is to pile on compliments. But research on praise and self-esteem reveals a paradox: the people who need encouragement most are the ones most likely to be hurt by exaggerated versions of it.
When someone with low self-esteem hears inflated praise (“You did an absolutely incredible job!”), they don’t feel lifted up. They feel pressured. Because praise sets a standard, being told they did “incredibly well” implies they should do incredibly well all the time. For someone already doubting themselves, that standard feels impossible. The result is they pull back from challenges altogether to avoid falling short of expectations. They miss out on exactly the experiences that would actually build their confidence.
Person-based praise (“You’re so smart” or “You’re so talented”) creates a similar trap. In one well-known series of experiments, students praised for intelligence reacted very differently from students praised for effort. When problems got harder, the intelligence-praised group lost confidence and motivation. When problems got easier again, they performed worse than they had at the start. Nearly 40 percent of them even lied about their scores afterward, their sense of self so tangled up in performance that they couldn’t admit mistakes. Only about 10 percent of effort-praised students did the same.
Praise the Process, Not the Person
The alternative is process praise: acknowledging what someone did, how they approached it, and the effort or strategy behind it. Instead of “You’re a natural,” try “You really stuck with that even when it got frustrating.” Instead of “You’re so smart,” try “The way you broke that problem down was really effective.”
This isn’t just a softer version of the same thing. It shifts how the person thinks about themselves. Students praised for effort consistently chose harder tasks over easier ones because struggling didn’t threaten their identity. They saw skills as something they were developing, not something they either had or didn’t. That growth-oriented mindset is exactly what someone with low self-esteem needs: the belief that they can get better at things through work, not the pressure of maintaining a label.
In practice, this means being specific. “I noticed how patient you were with that customer” lands harder than “You’re amazing.” It tells the person exactly what they did well, and it gives them something repeatable.
Ask Questions That Signal You Value Them
One of the simplest, most overlooked tools for building someone’s self-esteem is asking for their input. Phrases like “Can I get your opinion on this?” or “I need your help with something” communicate that you see them as capable and that their perspective matters. This isn’t flattery. It’s inclusion, and it builds a person’s sense of competence from the inside out.
Validation works the same way. When someone shares something difficult, the goal isn’t to fix it or minimize it. It’s to make them feel heard. Saying “It makes sense that you feel that way” or “Tell me more about that” does more for self-worth than a dozen reassurances. Asking “What do you need from me right now?” puts them in the driver’s seat of their own experience, which is the opposite of helplessness.
Avoid asking “What’s wrong?” when you notice someone struggling. Reframing it as “What happened?” is a small shift that removes the implication that something is broken. It opens a conversation instead of diagnosing a problem.
Do Things Together That Build Competence
Self-esteem isn’t built through words alone. It’s built through experiences of mastery, of doing something and succeeding at it. One of the best things you can do for someone is involve them in activities where they can develop skills and see their own progress.
This could be cooking a meal together, working on a project, training for something physical, or tackling a problem as a team. The key is collaboration, not instruction. When two people work through a challenge together, something researchers call “co-regulation” happens: one person supports or guides the other in a way that’s reciprocal rather than top-down. The person you’re helping doesn’t feel like a student. They feel like a partner.
People who have confidence in their group relationships and see group activities as valuable are more likely to stay engaged and motivated during challenging tasks. That engagement itself produces better outcomes, which reinforces the feeling of competence. It becomes a positive cycle: participate, succeed, feel capable, participate again. Your role is to create the conditions for that cycle to start. Pick activities calibrated to their skill level, where success is likely but not guaranteed, and where you’re genuinely doing it together rather than watching them perform.
Be Consistent, Not Conditional
People with low self-esteem are often hyperaware of whether acceptance is conditional. If you’re warm and encouraging when they succeed but distant or frustrated when they struggle, they learn that your support has strings attached. That reinforces the belief that their worth depends on performance.
The concept of unconditional positive regard, originally from therapy, applies directly to friendships and family relationships. It means caring for someone as a separate person with their own feelings and experiences, and granting them grace even when they make mistakes. It gives people the freedom to be themselves without fearing rejection.
In practice, this looks like staying engaged when things go sideways. It means saying “We’re going to get through this” during a rough patch instead of pulling away. It means not withdrawing affection after a failure. It means treating someone’s emotions as legitimate even when you don’t fully understand them. “Your emotions make sense” is one of the most powerful things you can say to someone who’s been told, directly or indirectly, that their reactions are too much.
Small Phrases That Carry Weight
You don’t need grand gestures. Some of the most effective things you can say are brief and specific:
- “It meant a lot to me when you…” ties their worth to a specific, real action they took.
- “I value your ability to…” names a concrete strength without inflating it.
- “Thank you for being someone I can trust” affirms their character, not their performance.
- “I’m proud of you” works best when connected to effort or growth, not just outcomes.
- “You were right” is surprisingly rare and surprisingly powerful. It tells someone their judgment is sound.
- “I’ve noticed that you…” shows you’re paying attention, which alone communicates that they matter.
The common thread is specificity and sincerity. Vague positivity (“You’re awesome!”) slides off someone with low self-esteem because it doesn’t match their internal picture of themselves. Specific, grounded observations stick because they’re harder to dismiss.
What to Avoid
Beyond inflated praise, a few other common habits quietly erode self-esteem. Unsolicited advice, even well-meaning, can signal that you think the person can’t figure things out on their own. Comparisons to others (“Look how well your sister is doing”) tie worth to external benchmarks. Dismissing feelings (“You shouldn’t feel that way”) tells someone their inner experience is wrong.
Rescuing is another subtle one. Jumping in to solve someone’s problems before they’ve had a chance to try robs them of the mastery experience that builds real confidence. Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do is sit with someone in discomfort, let them struggle a bit, and be there when they come through it. Your presence communicates belief in their ability. Your patience communicates that their timeline is acceptable. Both of those messages, over time, reshape how a person sees themselves.