You can’t force someone to stop drinking, but you can significantly increase the chances they’ll seek help. Research consistently shows that how you communicate, what boundaries you set, and the type of support you offer all influence whether a person with a drinking problem eventually enters treatment. About 40% of people who refuse treatment will agree to get help when their family members learn specific engagement skills, compared to roughly 14% when family members do nothing differently.
Recognize the Scope of the Problem First
Before you approach someone, it helps to understand what level of drinking you’re dealing with. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism defines binge drinking as 4 or more drinks within about two hours for women, or 5 or more for men. Heavy drinking means 4 or more drinks on any day (or 8 or more per week) for women, and 5 or more on any day (or 15 or more per week) for men. These thresholds matter because someone who occasionally overdoes it at parties faces a different situation than someone who drinks heavily every day.
Alcohol use disorder exists on a spectrum. Clinicians look for patterns like drinking more than intended, failed attempts to cut back, spending a lot of time obtaining or recovering from alcohol, cravings, neglecting responsibilities, continuing to drink despite relationship problems, giving up activities they used to enjoy, drinking in dangerous situations, needing more alcohol to feel the same effect, and experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Two or more of these within a 12-month period point to a clinical problem. The more patterns you recognize, the more severe the disorder, and the more important professional help becomes.
How to Talk to Them
The conversation you have matters more than you might think. Confrontational approaches, ultimatums delivered in anger, or surprise group interventions often backfire. They put the person on the defensive and make them less likely to change. Instead, the techniques that work best in clinical settings translate well to family conversations.
Ask open-ended questions rather than making accusations. “What’s been going on with you lately?” opens a door. “You’re ruining your life” slams it shut. When they talk, reflect back what you hear: “It sounds like you’ve been feeling pretty stressed and drinking has been the easiest way to unwind.” This isn’t agreeing with their choices. It’s showing you understand their experience, which makes them more likely to keep talking honestly.
Affirm their strengths when you see them. If they went a few days without drinking, or mentioned wanting to cut back, acknowledge that. “You went all weekend without a drink. That took real effort.” These aren’t empty compliments. They reinforce the part of the person that already wants to change. Research on motivational interviewing shows that this kind of conversation, one that draws out a person’s own reasons for changing rather than imposing yours, produces better outcomes in substance use.
The goal is to help them see the gap between where they are and where they want to be. Most people with drinking problems feel ambivalent. Part of them knows the drinking is a problem. Part of them isn’t ready to give it up. When you lecture or threaten, you push them toward defending the drinking. When you listen and reflect, you give space for their own motivation to surface.
Stop Enabling Without Cutting Them Off
There’s a crucial difference between supporting someone and enabling their drinking. Research on partners of people with alcohol dependence found that the most common enabling behaviors were taking over chores or duties the drinker neglected, drinking alongside them, and lying to others or making excuses to cover for them. These actions feel like love or loyalty in the moment, but they remove the natural consequences that might otherwise motivate change.
Healthy boundaries look different for every family, but some principles are universal. Stop calling in sick for them. Don’t clean up messes from their drinking, whether that’s literal or financial. Refuse to argue when they’re intoxicated, because nothing productive happens in those conversations. You can say, “I love you, and I’m not going to help make this easier for you anymore.” That’s not abandonment. It’s honesty.
Setting boundaries also means deciding in advance what you will and won’t tolerate, and following through. If you say you’ll leave the house when they’re drunk, leave the house. Inconsistency teaches them that your boundaries aren’t real.
Learn the CRAFT Approach
Community Reinforcement and Family Training, known as CRAFT, is the most evidence-backed method for family members trying to get a loved one into treatment. Unlike traditional approaches that emphasize “loving detachment” and accepting your powerlessness over the drinker, CRAFT teaches you to take an active role in shaping the situation.
In a randomized controlled trial, 40.5% of treatment-refusing drinkers entered treatment within three months when their family members used CRAFT techniques, compared to just 13.9% in a control group. CRAFT works by teaching you to reward sober behavior, allow natural consequences of drinking, improve your own wellbeing, and identify the right moments to suggest treatment. It also improves family members’ mental health and overall family cohesion, which matters because living with someone who drinks heavily takes a serious toll on you too.
You can learn CRAFT through a therapist trained in the method, through workbooks (the most well-known is “Get Your Loved One Sober” by Robert Meyers), or through SMART Recovery Family & Friends meetings, which incorporate CRAFT principles alongside cognitive-behavioral tools. These meetings are available both in person and online.
Know What Treatment Looks Like
When the person you care about is ready for help, it’s useful to already know the options so you can act quickly. Treatment isn’t one-size-fits-all. It ranges across a spectrum from weekly outpatient appointments to full hospital stays, and the right level depends on how severe the drinking is, how long it’s been going on, and whether there are other medical or psychological issues.
Outpatient treatment involves fewer than 9 hours per week of structured programming and works well for people with milder problems or strong home support. Intensive outpatient programs provide 9 to 19 hours per week, allowing people to continue working or caring for family while attending structured therapy most days. Partial hospitalization offers 20 or more hours per week of clinical programming for people who need daily monitoring but can still go home at night.
Residential programs provide 24-hour structured environments for people who need to be removed from their daily surroundings to recover. At the highest level, medically managed inpatient care involves round-the-clock nursing and daily physician oversight in a hospital setting, reserved for people with severe or unstable medical conditions.
Three medications are approved to help with alcohol use disorder. One blocks the brain’s pleasure response to alcohol, reducing cravings and the rewarding feeling of drinking. Another helps stabilize brain chemistry that becomes disrupted after long-term heavy drinking, easing the discomfort of early sobriety. A third causes unpleasant physical reactions (nausea, flushing, rapid heartbeat) if the person drinks, serving as a deterrent. These medications work best alongside therapy, not as standalone solutions.
Why Medical Detox Can Be Necessary
If the person you’re concerned about drinks heavily every day, stopping abruptly can be medically dangerous. Alcohol withdrawal symptoms typically begin within 6 to 24 hours after the last drink. Mild symptoms like headache, anxiety, and insomnia appear first. Within 24 hours, some people experience hallucinations. The highest risk period for seizures is 24 to 48 hours after the last drink, and a life-threatening condition called delirium tremens can appear between 48 and 72 hours.
People at greatest risk for severe withdrawal include heavy daily drinkers, anyone over 65, and anyone with a history of withdrawal seizures. For most people with mild to moderate withdrawal, symptoms peak and begin improving within 24 to 72 hours. But because severe withdrawal can be fatal, anyone who has been drinking heavily for an extended period should talk to a doctor before stopping, not quit cold turkey at home.
Take Care of Yourself
Living with or loving someone who drinks too much is exhausting. Your own mental health matters, both for your sake and because you’re more effective at helping when you’re not running on empty. Two main types of support groups exist for family members, and they take very different approaches.
Al-Anon and similar 12-step fellowships focus on accepting that you can’t control the other person’s drinking and finding peace through that acceptance. They use a spiritual framework adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous. SMART Recovery Family & Friends takes a cognitive-behavioral approach, teaching practical skills to cope with your loved one’s situation while also learning to support them without supporting the addiction. Neither requires a referral, and both offer free meetings. Many people try both and stick with whichever philosophy resonates.
Whatever path you choose, the single most important thing to internalize is that you are not responsible for someone else’s decision to drink. You can change the environment, improve your communication, set boundaries, and offer support. You cannot make the decision for them. That tension is the hardest part, and it’s exactly where groups like these help the most.