The most helpful thing you can say to someone trying to get pregnant is some version of “I’m here for you, and I care about what you’re going through.” That might sound simple, but it’s exactly what people in this situation report wanting to hear. The trying-to-conceive process is far more emotionally loaded than most outsiders realize, and the words you choose can either ease that weight or add to it.
Why This Matters More Than You Think
People who are struggling to conceive commonly experience anxiety, depression, isolation, and a feeling of lost control. The inability to reproduce naturally can trigger shame, guilt, and low self-esteem. Even for couples who haven’t received an infertility diagnosis, the monthly cycle of hoping and waiting takes a real psychological toll. More than half of healthy couples conceive within six months, which means a significant number don’t, and every month that passes without a positive test can feel like a failure.
If the person you’re supporting is undergoing fertility treatments, the emotional landscape gets even more complicated. Fertility medications themselves can cause mood changes, irritability, and heightened anxiety. Add in the physical demands of treatment, the financial strain, and the uncertainty of outcomes, and you’re looking at someone who may be running on fumes emotionally, even if they seem fine on the surface.
What to Say
The best phrases share a common thread: they center the other person’s experience without trying to fix it, minimize it, or redirect it. Here are examples that people going through this process find genuinely supportive:
- “I care about you and what you’re going through.” Direct, warm, no agenda.
- “If you ever want to talk, I’m here. And if you don’t, that’s fine too.” This gives them permission to engage on their own terms.
- “This is really hard. I don’t have answers, but I have time.” Acknowledging difficulty without rushing to solve it is powerful.
- “How can I best be there for you?” This avoids assumptions about what they need.
- “You don’t have to be hopeful all the time. I’ll hold the hope for both of us when you need to rest.” People trying to conceive often feel pressure to stay relentlessly positive. Letting them off that hook is a gift.
- “I may not understand every detail, but I’m listening and I care.” You don’t need to be an expert. You just need to show up.
Notice that none of these phrases offer solutions. None of them predict outcomes. They simply communicate presence and care, which is what people in this situation consistently say they want most.
What Not to Say
Some of the most common things people say to someone trying to conceive are also the most hurtful. These phrases usually come from a good place, but they land badly because they minimize a deeply personal struggle.
“Just relax and it will happen.” This is probably the single most frustrating thing someone trying to conceive can hear. It implies they’re causing their own problem by being too stressed, which isn’t how fertility works. It also dismisses whatever medical factors may be involved.
“Everything happens for a reason.” To someone who has just gotten a negative test or received difficult news from a doctor, this can feel dismissive and even cruel. The same goes for “maybe it wasn’t meant to be” and “it’s all in God’s timing,” especially if you don’t know the person’s beliefs.
“Why don’t you just adopt?” Adoption is a meaningful path to parenthood, but suggesting it casually implies that one child is interchangeable with another, and it ignores the complexity, cost, and emotional weight of the adoption process itself. It can also feel like you’re telling them to give up on their current goal.
“When are you having kids?” You may not even know this person is trying. This question, however casual it seems, can be a gut punch to someone who has been trying for months or years.
“Stay positive!” or “Look on the bright side.” Researchers categorize these as toxic positivity. Women struggling with infertility specifically identified phrases like “just stay positive,” “it will all work out,” and “you’re still so young!” as unhelpful. These comments pressure someone to perform optimism when they may be grieving, scared, or exhausted.
Supporting Someone Through Treatment
If your friend or loved one is going through fertility treatments like IVF, the stakes of every conversation feel higher. There are specific milestones (hormone injections, egg retrievals, embryo transfers, the agonizing wait for results) where a few thoughtful words matter enormously.
Rather than “I just know it will work,” try something like “I’m hoping with you and thinking of you every step of the way.” The difference is subtle but important: the first makes a promise you can’t keep, while the second simply stands beside them. If a cycle fails or a test comes back negative, resist the urge to immediately pivot to next steps or silver linings. Instead, try “This must be so hard. What do you need right now?” Sometimes they’ll want to talk it through. Sometimes they’ll want to order takeout and watch something mindless. Let them lead.
Checking in regularly also matters more than people realize. A short text asking how they’re doing, with no expectation of a detailed response, tells them you haven’t forgotten. It doesn’t need to be elaborate.
Respect Their Privacy
People vary widely in how much they want to share about their fertility journey. Some are open about it on social media. Others tell almost no one. Before asking for updates on treatment cycles or test results, pay attention to the cues they’re giving you. If they volunteer information, follow their lead. If they don’t, let them know you’re available without pressing for details.
A good approach is to say something like “I’m always here if you want to talk about how things are going, but no pressure at all.” This opens the door without pushing them through it. If they do share news, whether good or bad, match their emotional tone rather than overreacting in either direction.
Don’t Forget the Partner
So much of the fertility conversation focuses on the person with the uterus, but their partner carries emotional weight too. Male-factor infertility accounts for a significant portion of fertility struggles, and for many men, it’s a private heartache they rarely discuss with anyone. Men dealing with infertility often feel sidelined in the medical process and may struggle to acknowledge or express painful feelings like shame or inadequacy.
If you’re close to the partner, recognize that they may process things differently. Not everyone finds relief in talking. Some people feel better going for a run, getting out of the house, or just being treated normally for an evening. You can offer support by suggesting an activity rather than a conversation, or by simply acknowledging that this is hard for them too. Saying “I know this affects both of you, and I’m here for you as well” can mean a lot to someone who feels invisible in the process.
If They Explore Other Paths
Some people trying to conceive eventually consider adoption, surrogacy, or other ways of building a family. If someone shares that they’re moving in this direction, the most supportive response is to affirm their choice without framing it as a consolation prize. Saying “I will support you no matter what you choose” communicates that your care isn’t contingent on a specific outcome.
Avoid language that frames adoption as “giving up” on having a biological child, or surrogacy as a lesser option. These are deliberate, often difficult decisions that deserve the same enthusiasm and support you’d offer someone announcing a pregnancy. If they’re grieving the loss of one path while stepping onto another, both things can be true at the same time, and you can honor that by simply being present without judgment.