The most helpful thing you can say to someone struggling with infertility is often the simplest: “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m here for you.” That kind of direct, honest acknowledgment does more than any advice or reassurance ever could. About one in six people of reproductive age worldwide experience infertility, which means you almost certainly know someone facing it, even if they haven’t told you. What you say in those moments matters more than you might realize.
Infertility carries a psychological weight that rivals other serious medical conditions. A landmark study comparing women undergoing fertility treatment with patients managing cancer, heart disease, and chronic pain found that their anxiety and depression scores were statistically equivalent to those of cancer and cardiac patients. This isn’t a minor disappointment. It’s a medical crisis that can consume someone’s identity, relationships, finances, and sense of the future.
What Actually Helps to Hear
People going through infertility consistently say the same thing: they want to feel seen, not fixed. The phrases that land well are ones that validate the difficulty without trying to minimize it or solve it. Some examples:
- “I’m so sorry. That sounds really hard.” Simple acknowledgment of pain is powerful precisely because so few people offer it.
- “I don’t know what to say, but I want you to know I care.” Honesty about not having the right words is far better than filling the silence with platitudes.
- “I’m here whenever you want to talk, and it’s completely fine if you don’t.” This gives them control over the conversation, which they may feel they’ve lost in every other area of their life.
- “What would be most helpful for you right now?” Asking rather than assuming lets them tell you what they actually need, whether that’s distraction, venting, company, or space.
- “You don’t have to update me. I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.” This removes the pressure of having to report on treatment cycles or test results before they’re emotionally prepared.
Notice what these phrases have in common: none of them offer solutions. None of them predict outcomes. They simply communicate presence and respect.
Phrases That Feel Supportive but Aren’t
A study published in PLOS ONE asked women struggling with infertility to describe the most unhelpful things people said to them. The responses clustered into four categories, and every one of them came from people who meant well.
Toxic positivity was the most common offender, reported by 41% of respondents. This includes phrases like “everything happens for a reason,” “just stay positive,” “it will happen,” and “it’s all in God’s hands.” These statements sound comforting, but they dismiss the person’s current pain by jumping ahead to a hopeful outcome that may never arrive. When someone is grieving a failed treatment cycle or a miscarriage, telling them to look on the bright side can feel like being told their grief is inappropriate.
Unsolicited advice was the next most common problem, at 28%. “Just relax and it will happen” topped the list. Others included “have you tried acupuncture?”, “drink some alcohol and go have fun,” and the perennial “why don’t you just adopt?” The implication behind all of these is that the person hasn’t tried hard enough or is doing something wrong. In reality, infertility is a medical condition. Relaxation doesn’t cure it any more than it cures diabetes. And adoption is a deeply complex, expensive, emotionally demanding process, not a consolation prize.
Invalidation showed up in 24% of responses. “Stop complaining, people have it worse” and “having a baby is horrible, be thankful you can’t” are two examples. These attempt to reframe the person’s suffering as trivial or even desirable, which can be devastatingly isolating.
Intrusive questions rounded out the list at 7%. Repeatedly asking “any news yet?” or “are you pregnant?” or, after a miscarriage, “will you try again?” turns someone’s private medical journey into something they have to perform updates about. Even casual workplace small talk like “when are you going to have a baby?” can be a gut punch to someone in the middle of treatment.
Navigating Pregnancy Announcements
If you’re pregnant and your friend is struggling with infertility, how you share your news can either protect the friendship or deeply wound it. The most important rule: don’t let them find out from someone else. Hearing your news secondhand, or discovering it in a group setting where they have to perform happiness, is consistently described as one of the most painful experiences.
Tell them privately, ideally by phone or in a one-on-one conversation. A phone call has a specific advantage: it gives your friend the ability to end the conversation when they need to process their emotions without worrying about their facial expression. A text message can work too, for the same reason.
Give them space to feel whatever they feel. They may be genuinely happy for you and devastated for themselves at the same time. Those emotions aren’t contradictory. Let them know you understand if they need distance from pregnancy-related conversations or events for a while. Don’t take it personally if they can’t attend your baby shower. That’s not about you.
Supporting Someone With Secondary Infertility
Secondary infertility, the inability to conceive after already having one or more children, affects about 10% of couples. It comes with a unique layer of dismissal that can make it even lonelier than primary infertility. People who already have a child often hear things like “but you’ve had one, can’t you be happy with that?” or “at least you know you can get pregnant.”
These comments assume that wanting another child is greedy rather than a deeply felt family vision. Someone who imagined a family of four but can only have a family of three often describes the feeling as genuine loss, like a person is missing from their life. They may also watch their child play alone while other kids play with siblings, adding a layer of guilt and heartbreak that’s specific to this experience. Infertility isn’t a competition, and the pain of wanting a second child can be just as consuming as wanting a first.
The same principles apply here: acknowledge the difficulty, resist the urge to minimize it, and don’t suggest that their existing child should be “enough.”
Supporting Men Through Infertility
Men experiencing infertility often get overlooked in conversations about support, even though research shows they experience comparable levels of stress and emotional turmoil to their partners. Many men report feelings of shame, self-doubt, and isolation. They’re less likely to talk about what they’re going through, less likely to seek help, and less likely to receive emotional support during treatment, even from the people around them.
Cultural expectations make this worse. Men frequently avoid fertility testing because they fear being perceived as weak or emasculated. The internal struggle can lead to concealing the experience entirely, which increases the risk of depression and anxiety. Research on infertility stigma has found that openness is linked to better mental health and a greater sense of meaning in life for both men and women, but men face steeper social barriers to that openness.
If a man in your life shares that he’s dealing with infertility, treat it with the same gravity you would any other medical diagnosis. Don’t joke about it. Don’t make comments about virility. Ask how he’s doing and actually listen. The research is clear: men with infertility can thrive when their emotional challenges are acknowledged and psychosocial support is offered. That support can start with you simply taking it seriously.
Respecting Their Boundaries
One of the most valuable things you can do is let the person set the terms of the conversation. Some people want to talk about every detail of their treatment. Others don’t want to mention it at all. Both are valid, and their preference may change from week to week.
You can ask directly: “Do you want to talk about how things are going, or would you rather focus on something else today?” If someone tells you they’ll share updates when they’re ready, respect that. Don’t follow up with check-ins disguised as casual questions. Fertility experts suggest that if you’re unsure whether someone’s question is coming from genuine concern or idle curiosity, responding with “why do you ask?” can help you gauge the intent before deciding how much to share. You can pass this tip along to your friend as a tool for managing the well-meaning but exhausting inquiries they’re likely fielding from everyone else.
The through-line in all of this is simple: be the person who makes their world feel a little less lonely, not the person who adds to the weight they’re already carrying. Listen more than you speak. Follow their lead. And when you don’t know what to say, say that.